January Dark Moon

 

Poster for The Invisible Woman by Universal Pictures

Identity -

2 a : the distinguishing character or personality of an individual : individuality (from the http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/identity )
 

Many years ago, before last names were in common use there was something called a patronymic. Males and young females were identified by who their father was. (i.e. David, son of John, Mary, daughter of William). Older females were identified by who their husbands were. (i.e. Mary, wife of David). Even today we see evidence of this in our naming practices. Many Germanic/English names end in "son" (Johnston, Williamson). You see this practice in other languages as well (this post is not a lesson in naming practices so I'll let you research them). Women are still identified by their husbands, either by the title "Mrs." or by taking their husband's last name through marriage.
 

For the first portion of my life, I was a daughter....Michele, daughter of M & J.  My friends knew me for who I was, but the rest of the world out there knew me as a daughter. First off, let me tell you that many people have said that my parents were straight from the '50s - the perfect Ward and June Cleaver. They were more traditional than most in their views and values. So, my role was to be the perfect daughter - obey my parents, do well in school and be a good girl. Well, I suppose I succeeded in that role most of the time.

 

My teen years were typical of anyone's "coming of age" - arguments with parents, testing boundaries, etc. Compared to some of my class mates, my teen years were pretty lame. As I got older and finished University I realized that I had spent all of my life under someone else's care. I had spent my whole life fulfilling the expectations of others (my parents). Some of my friends had older siblings that were now in their late 20's, early 30's and still living at home. I did not want that to be me. I did not want to spend my life going from daughter to wife. I needed to spend some time being nothing other than ME for a while. So, I made a promise to myself that I would move out by the time I was 25. And I did, I moved in with a friend one month before my birthday.

 

Some people would have embraced the release from their parents' bounds and gone wild. I just went to work, went to school, hung out with my friends. My parents still haunted me (and they forever will) but it was nice to finally figure out what I valued, what my limits and boundaries were. It was nice to just be me.

 

In retrospect, I was only filling another role at the time.

 

Another identity many women take on is that of the girlfriend/wife. So many women (myself included) fall in love and slowly their life begins to revolve around their chosen mate. Close friends are neglected as you spend more and more time with him and his friends. His family gatherings take priority over yours. You stop doing things you enjoy because it means more time away from him, it's something you can't do together or it's something he doesn't enjoy. Okay, so I admit, I have an obsessive/compulsive/self-sacrificing personality. Not everyone does this stuff, but I do. It seems to be repeating pattern for me. My identity morphs from being me into being his girlfriend. The majority of my relationships in the past have lasted over 3 years. When a relationship ends after three years, there is a lot of heartbreak and soul searching. There is a feeling of emptiness. There is the realization that you have spent three years being someone else and you don't know who the hell you are anymore.
 

Motherhood is another thing that takes over your life. How could it not? The early months/years are spent caring for a helpless little baby/child. The bond is so great and strong it is unbelievable. Your sleeping and eating patterns revolve around this child. Your social interactions change. Your priorities change. It is crazy how much of your life changes due to giving birth. And the scary thing is....there is no going back.
 

As women, we have so many roles to fill....lover, companion, caregiver, homemaker, provider, etc. Where is the woman behind all those roles? What is left when you strip all the labels away? I should be defined by who I am, not by what I do. Otherwise I am merely invisible.