There was supposed to be a Full Moon/ Lunar Eclipse post in here, but it never came to be. My body was sleep deprived and feeling very emotionally weak and frail. Sometimes taking care of yourself is more important than fulfilling a promise to yourself.
I am happy to say that I went for an acupuncture treatment last week and things are much better now. Still not sleeping, but not fighting back tears and feeling much more upbeat and stable. :)
With this New Moon I notice that everyone seems to be on an energy surge. Usually this is a quiet time for many people, but I see a lot of full moon behavour - maybe its the approaching Holidays. Myself, I tend to ovulate around the New Moon so I'm used to feeling buzzed around this time...time to conquer the world!! Time to conquer that man!!
For some reason, I'm afraid to dream. No, that is not entirely true, I'm afraid to give myself permission to hope and dream about the future and a very rarely voice them. If a dream is developed and thought out, it has the possibility of becoming real. If it can become real, you can attempt it. If you can attempt it, you can fail. There it is, right there. I am so afraid of failing that I don't even LET myself dream. Why? What is so bad about failing? Does it mean you are worthless? Does it mean you are stupid? Does it mean that you are lazy? Why is there all this fear?
Let's flip this around: if a dream can be developed, it can come true. Is there fear there? Yes. Why?
Despite all this fear, I am going to dream tonight, and I am going to dream big without abandon! On with the Mid-life discovery!!
Upgrade my sewing skills. I love sewing. I love taking a two dimensional piece of fabric and creating a three dimensional piece of functional art from it. I know my way around a machine and a pattern, but struggle with fitting and details (and speed). A few years ago I found a course that was offered through Red River College on Textile design. Its a two year diploma offered on a part-time basis. (How do I know all this? Information gathering seems to be a passion/obsession of mine). It covers pattern fitting and design elements. With this course I could make the clothing I already own fit me better. I would be able to alter existing patterns to create a personal fit. I would be able to sew items from vintage patterns that are not in my size. I could create wardrobe pieces that I love for myself and others. Maybe even start a business. A-line skirts anyone?
Make music. I love music. I have to admit that I've been out of the musical vibe since I've had my children and I'm trying to find a way to get back in. I used to listen to music, a lot. Now, I limit myself for some reason to listing to my MP3 player on the bus. I need to start playing CDs for my kids. I need to start singing again. My voice is nothing special, but I love the way that your whole being vibrates with energy as you belt out a song that you love. You take your voice with you where-ever you go. It is an instrument you always have on hand. Music is a universal language. I would love to take singing lessons so I could learn to sing better, to discover my voice without wrecking it.
Make more music. I've played several instruments in my life: violin, chord organ, trombone, badura (Ukrainian stringed folk instrument), accordion (self-taught). I've never been particularly brilliant at any one of them. In fact, I struggle and have to work at it. Speed is not my thing. I get frustrated as the sound I hear in my head I am not able to reproduce. Maybe if I had the discipline to practice more I could get the speed thing going and would not get as frustrated. (I DETEST doing scales and warm ups). If things work out, this winter I will have an opportunity to pick up the bandura again and play. It seems I need a goal to play at the moment and a bunch of local bandura players recently realized that we miss playing so we have decided to get together once a month in the new year. I love the sound and "wow" factor of the instrument. I love that I get to learn songs from my ancestors by playing it. I don't love the fact that few venture to play non-Ukrainian music on it and even fewer people play it outside of Ukrainian audiences. I also am not too thrilled about the fact that I'm limited to the keys of GM or Em (I can work with CM and DM too- but it requires re-tuning). Definitely not the best keys for my voice. Despite that, I would love to re-write some of my favourite songs for the bandura.
Learn more music. In addition to learning more music on the bandura I would love to learn to play the guitar. The guitar is one of those instruments that is readily available, it is easily transportable, not limited (as much) to keys and doesn't take 10 minutes to tune! Through the years I've learned how to play via sheet music. My challenge would be to learn to play by ear first. To hear, mimic and feel. If you can play by ear, the possibilities are limitless.
Create more music. In my teen years and early twenties, I wrote poetry. Some good, some not so good. I feel that there is more poetry inside of me but it is not coming out. It needs to come out in song. Words set to music carry so much more meaning and impact than just spoken word. The coupling of verse and rhythm with tone impact me on such a deep level (I will leave that one for another post). Creating songs and stories set to music would be soul satisfying. The challenge is to write from the heart and not from the brain. Exposing those inner thoughts and feelings is scary - in fact, the thought of exposing myself so much is terrifying. I have no aspirations to become a radio hit or even go on tour, but I would love the opportunity to play for a group of people (who are not all related to me). Yes, there is much fear surrounding this one.
Move to the music. I have always loved dance. Moving your body to music. Getting into your body. Knowing your body. A few years ago I took a burlesque dance course and loved it. It wasn't so much about learning to dance sexy, it was about moving your body with confidence and having fun. I actually performed twice and it brought back the rush of being on stage. (I love being center of attention at times - I admit it. I also love flirting). I used to dance (not burlesque, just regular dance) in my living room and I don't anymore. It could be the fact that my house is now a field of Lego landmines. Its time to crank the tunes and dance more often. I've also been toying with the idea of taking an adult jazz dance class.
Connect . I need to connect more with my family. I live with a man and two children. I want to live with my FAMILY. To know and love them on so many levels and not merely occupy the same house. My husband is my best friend, but I would still like to spend more time with him and not be talking about our obligations, children, scheduling, etc. I also want to be a better Mother to my children - to nourish their bodies and spirits better and teach them how to become people of substance with compassion. (Note to self: get off the damn computer!!!)
Connect some more. I am looking for my tribe - a group of women I can resonate with. Women who can support each other and just be there. My body craves physical connection - hugs, smiles, tears. In more traditional societies women would cook, knit, sew, create together. There is a bond that women have that is unexplainable - a collective wisdom. Today's society is so isolating. I don't want to be independent - I need a support system! Also, I want my daughter to grow up with a healthy attitude regarding her body, her monthly cycle, her sexuality and what a woman is and can be.
Connect in a big way. I need remember to pick up the cosmic phone and reach out and touch the Divine. At one time I was filled with the joy and wonder of the Divine presence. That seems like a long time ago. I have no clue what shape or form this one will take, but it needs to come back. Maybe its time to go out in nature more often and just listen for a while.
I don't know how much I will accomplish, but it seems that I am on my way...
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