She went looking for the solution
To a problem that did not exist
She found an answer, and she found some friends there
Consciousness raising as a social tool
She went looking for some direction
And to ease her loneliness somehow
She left her husband and she left her family
'Cause she prays to a new god now
Feeding the hunger, feeding the wonder
Feeding the need to believe
Looking for love and looking for someone
Looking for somewhere to be
She went looking for the solution
To a problem that did not exist
She found an answer, and she found some friends there
Consciousness raising as a social tool.
- Moe Berg, The Pursuit of Happiness (from the Album "Love Junk")
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUSKsPze7L8
I realized something the other day. I realized that I will never find the answers that I seek. They will always be slightly out of grasp, just beyond my limits of understanding. So, I am giving up. It's that simple. I'm giving up my quest to figure out who I am and what gives me joy.
The more you search for the things you want, the less realize the things you already have.
In its place, I've decided to embrace the person I am now. To enjoy the moment. I have found that I need to love myself and all of my quirky, inconsistent ways. One day I feel like a beauty queen, all glammed up and dressed to the nines. The next day I don't put on makeup and wear comfy sweats. It's all okay. I can be who I want to be from moment to moment....there is no grand scheme of who I need to be. It's okay to adapt, change and grow.
My birthday is coming up this week. I've felt glimpses of the love explosion and inspiration that I felt at this time last year. I'm hoping to experience it again and then each year going forward. It truly is an awesome experience when the love in your heart is so bright and active that it bursts forth. We need more love in our world. We need more people that shine. I need to find a way to increase the frequency and duration of those moments. Hey cosmic person out there, if you are listening...send me more of the radiant love thing. Even if it's only tied to the Spring awakening, I'll be grateful.
My goal this year is to actually DO the things I want to do and to challenge myself with new experiences. I find that there are things that come up that I'd like to do, but for some reason, I'm too scared to bring up the idea with my family. I'm afraid to even attempt somethings because it means that there is a possibility that I might enjoy myself. What the heck? No, I'm not saying that I want to go out and party every night and be reckless. I need to give myself permission to have fun. I need to communicate my ideas better with others and get the out of my head where they just gather dust and then fade. I need to face my fears and get out of my comfort zone a bit. I need to stop sabotaging myself. I need to get off my lazy butt from time to time. I need to let go of the guilt and the feeling of control. (Wow, I just realized that I say no to my children often just to confirm my control over them). I need to be more of a kid and less of a stodgy old grown up.
Yeah, it's a tall order. And I'll probably fail big time. But I'm going to try anyway. Going out to play with my kids in the middle of winter can't be THAT bad.
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