The Journey Begins

I began a journey tonight. The full moon shone outside, a reminder that the sun is never completely gone, it only hides sometimes. It is time to journey into the darkness, into the depths of my being. A time to discover what truly lies beneath, what nourishes my soul. A time to discover all the dreams and fears I hold within and bring them to the surface, to acknowledge them and bring them life. As the earth outside is growing colder and the nights are growing longer I will go. Often alone, sometimes with a companion but my destination is only for me to reach. No one can define who I am. It is up to me to decide.

The light is so deep. There is much polishing and rubbish removal to do.

I entered the bath unclothed - the way I entered the world. A single candle glowing red lit the room. The water contains clay, earth. Known to purify, known to rid the body of toxins, known to heal. Yes, I suppose healing is what I need. After years of denying myself to dream. Even my sleep is mostly dreamless. How can that be? Given the opportunity to dream I am not able. I am stuck in my daily life - surviving. Surviving because I am exhausted. I continue to live, to enjoy my life, but there must be something else....where is the joy? Where is that unavoidable, grounding yet transcendent connection? Where is the purpose that drives?

I breath in the smells of frankincense, rosewood, geranium, clary sage and a hint of sandalwood. The smells come to greet me as I lay in the bath. One by one they drift by and introduce themselves. Then I smell them all. One of them is making me notice that I ate something I shouldn't have. My gut is protesting. Yet another comforts me and reassures me that I have made the right decision. It has been a long time since I've worked with essential oils. I need to explore them once again. I chose these oils for the following reasons...frankincense - it reminds me of church growing up - the connection to the divine, rosewood - an earthy fragrance. I remember smelling the wild roses in my elementary school yard in June, geranium - in the past most of my blends have contained this scent. I seem to be drawn to it, clary sage - I recall this is a good oil for dreaming and visions and female energy, sandalwood - why not? The pesky drop did not want to come out of the bottle, so that is why there is only a hint.

Laying there I relaxed, as one tends to do in the bath. Then I called upon the divine to assist me in my journey. To guide me, to push me where I needed to go, to help me when I'm stuck, to comfort me when I'm overwhelmed. The mother - the moist mother earth. I asked her to surrounded my body with love and let me grow within her womb. I asked her to dispose of the things I no longer needed and find a safe way for it to return to the earth.

It has been an looong time since I've prayed. Usually it is to the generic God of my upbringing. But I felt I needed female energy. Praying to Mary never felt right, so why not pray to Mokosh? Perhaps she is merely God (or Mary) in a disguise. Perhaps not. Who knows. What's in a name?

I am reminded of the song "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" by Sarah McLachlan.

It is late. I need sleep. Perchance to dream.

Stay tuned....

Stay tuned for updates....I've been busy, but I feel a wave of posts coming on....

Mi

The cost of raising a child

Yes, its been a while....

In mid-October I returned to work full time after being on maternity leave for a year. At first, I enjoyed my daily escape from the clutches of my one-and-a-bit-year-old, but gradually the novelty wore off. I really wish that I could stay at home and raise my son, but society dictates otherwise.

Who was the idiot that caused us to think that our children would be better off with two working parents? Why does it require two incomes to raise a child? How does it make any sense that almost an entire income goes towards paying someone else to raise your child, just so that you can come home exhausted to a child that you barely know? Yes, sure you have a nice home, a nice car, the latest electronics, your child is the height of fashion, etc.....But at what cost?

I guess I'm lucky in a way. I work full time and my husband has agreed to stay at home during the day and care for our son. He is on call and works mostly evenings and weekends. During the time our shifts overlap, my parents look after our son for a few hours. We both couldn't bear to leave our son, our most precious belonging in the care of someone he doesn't know, to someone who doesn't care and love him the same way we do. Not to knock those people who feel that they don't have a choice. But our choice was to put the needs of our family first, and we have decided that our family needs love and connection more than money.

Once our son is older, we may send him to an outside caregiver, but for now, this is the sacrifice we choose to make.

Now, you ask, why don't I stay at home and my husband go "bring home the bacon?" Well, I suck as a homemaker. I CAN cook and keep a home clean, but my husband is much better at those sort of things (and more reliable). Also, I am the higher income earner.

In a perfect world, I would be a domestic goddess and my husband a successful entrepreneur. We would raise our child(ren) in the country, homeschool them, grow and eat the majority of our own food. Sigh....In a perfect world.

This reality sure isn't perfect, but its not so bad. I am grateful that I was able to spend that year with my baby (and earn at least a portion of my income through EI). I miss him every day that I'm at work. When I come home, I am greeted by a boy who is usually naked from the waist down and asking for milk. We nurse and he drifts off to sleep in my arms. He is still my little baby and I love him like only a mother can.

Mi

Cookies & Milk

I'm sitting here waiting for my cookies to bake in the oven. Its been such a long time since I've baked cookies. So long in fact, that I didn't realize that I only have one baking sheet left. The other ones have been used for baking chicken and fries, and what-ever else gets baked in our household. So, they are no longer suitable for baking cookies.

Baking cookies is something that kids do with thier moms, with thier grandmothers (or Baba's). I remember that my Baba's chocholate chip cookies were the best. Even now, when I make them (or even my mother) using Baba's recipe, they are just not the same. Hopefully one day my grandkids will think the same about my baking.

So today, my son who is almost 14 months old watched while I got out the Mix Master and blended the ingredients together. Due to our dairy and egg allergies, I wasn't able to use my Baba's recipe. So, I'm experimenting with vegan carob chip cookies. Yep, they have tofu in them. I wonder how they'll turn out. After a while, my son got bored and I released him from his highchair to go play with his dad.

During baking, he asked to be nursed by pulling on my shirt. After a while he fell asleep.

Several rounds of baking later, he is awake. Dad and I are munching on cookies and baby wants more of mama's milk.

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