February Dark Moon (well, sort of)

She went looking for the solution
To a problem that did not exist
She found an answer, and she found some friends there
Consciousness raising as a social tool

She went looking for some direction
And to ease her loneliness somehow
She left her husband and she left her family
'Cause she prays to a new god now

Feeding the hunger, feeding the wonder
Feeding the need to believe
Looking for love and looking for someone
Looking for somewhere to be

She went looking for the solution
To a problem that did not exist
She found an answer, and she found some friends there
Consciousness raising as a social tool.
- Moe Berg, The Pursuit of Happiness (from the Album "Love Junk")
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUSKsPze7L8


I realized something the other day. I realized that I will never find the answers that I seek. They will always be slightly out of grasp, just beyond my limits of understanding. So, I am giving up. It's that simple. I'm giving up my quest to figure out who I am and what gives me joy.


The more you search for the things you want, the less realize the things you already have.


In its place, I've decided to embrace the person I am now. To enjoy the moment. I have found that I need to love myself and all of my quirky, inconsistent ways. One day I feel like a beauty queen, all glammed up and dressed to the nines. The next day I don't put on makeup and wear comfy sweats. It's all okay. I can be who I want to be from moment to moment....there is no grand scheme of who I need to be. It's okay to adapt, change and grow.


My birthday is coming up this week. I've felt glimpses of the love explosion and inspiration that I felt at this time last year. I'm hoping to experience it again and then each year going forward. It truly is an awesome experience when the love in your heart is so bright and active that it bursts forth. We need more love in our world. We need more people that shine. I need to find a way to increase the frequency and duration of those moments. Hey cosmic person out there, if you are listening...send me more of the radiant love thing. Even if it's only tied to the Spring awakening, I'll be grateful.


My goal this year is to actually DO the things I want to do and to challenge myself with new experiences. I find that there are things that come up that I'd like to do, but for some reason, I'm too scared to bring up the idea with my family. I'm afraid to even attempt somethings because it means that there is a possibility that I might enjoy myself. What the heck? No, I'm not saying that I want to go out and party every night and be reckless. I need to give myself permission to have fun. I need to communicate my ideas better with others and get the out of my head where they just gather dust and then fade. I need to face my fears and get out of my comfort zone a bit. I need to stop sabotaging myself. I need to get off my lazy butt from time to time. I need to let go of the guilt and the feeling of control. (Wow, I just realized that I say no to my children often just to confirm my control over them). I need to be more of a kid and less of a stodgy old grown up.


Yeah, it's a tall order. And I'll probably fail big time. But I'm going to try anyway. Going out to play with my kids in the middle of winter can't be THAT bad.   

January Dark Moon

 

Poster for The Invisible Woman by Universal Pictures

Identity -

2 a : the distinguishing character or personality of an individual : individuality (from the http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/identity )
 

Many years ago, before last names were in common use there was something called a patronymic. Males and young females were identified by who their father was. (i.e. David, son of John, Mary, daughter of William). Older females were identified by who their husbands were. (i.e. Mary, wife of David). Even today we see evidence of this in our naming practices. Many Germanic/English names end in "son" (Johnston, Williamson). You see this practice in other languages as well (this post is not a lesson in naming practices so I'll let you research them). Women are still identified by their husbands, either by the title "Mrs." or by taking their husband's last name through marriage.
 

For the first portion of my life, I was a daughter....Michele, daughter of M & J.  My friends knew me for who I was, but the rest of the world out there knew me as a daughter. First off, let me tell you that many people have said that my parents were straight from the '50s - the perfect Ward and June Cleaver. They were more traditional than most in their views and values. So, my role was to be the perfect daughter - obey my parents, do well in school and be a good girl. Well, I suppose I succeeded in that role most of the time.

 

My teen years were typical of anyone's "coming of age" - arguments with parents, testing boundaries, etc. Compared to some of my class mates, my teen years were pretty lame. As I got older and finished University I realized that I had spent all of my life under someone else's care. I had spent my whole life fulfilling the expectations of others (my parents). Some of my friends had older siblings that were now in their late 20's, early 30's and still living at home. I did not want that to be me. I did not want to spend my life going from daughter to wife. I needed to spend some time being nothing other than ME for a while. So, I made a promise to myself that I would move out by the time I was 25. And I did, I moved in with a friend one month before my birthday.

 

Some people would have embraced the release from their parents' bounds and gone wild. I just went to work, went to school, hung out with my friends. My parents still haunted me (and they forever will) but it was nice to finally figure out what I valued, what my limits and boundaries were. It was nice to just be me.

 

In retrospect, I was only filling another role at the time.

 

Another identity many women take on is that of the girlfriend/wife. So many women (myself included) fall in love and slowly their life begins to revolve around their chosen mate. Close friends are neglected as you spend more and more time with him and his friends. His family gatherings take priority over yours. You stop doing things you enjoy because it means more time away from him, it's something you can't do together or it's something he doesn't enjoy. Okay, so I admit, I have an obsessive/compulsive/self-sacrificing personality. Not everyone does this stuff, but I do. It seems to be repeating pattern for me. My identity morphs from being me into being his girlfriend. The majority of my relationships in the past have lasted over 3 years. When a relationship ends after three years, there is a lot of heartbreak and soul searching. There is a feeling of emptiness. There is the realization that you have spent three years being someone else and you don't know who the hell you are anymore.
 

Motherhood is another thing that takes over your life. How could it not? The early months/years are spent caring for a helpless little baby/child. The bond is so great and strong it is unbelievable. Your sleeping and eating patterns revolve around this child. Your social interactions change. Your priorities change. It is crazy how much of your life changes due to giving birth. And the scary thing is....there is no going back.
 

As women, we have so many roles to fill....lover, companion, caregiver, homemaker, provider, etc. Where is the woman behind all those roles? What is left when you strip all the labels away? I should be defined by who I am, not by what I do. Otherwise I am merely invisible.