February Dark Moon (well, sort of)

She went looking for the solution
To a problem that did not exist
She found an answer, and she found some friends there
Consciousness raising as a social tool

She went looking for some direction
And to ease her loneliness somehow
She left her husband and she left her family
'Cause she prays to a new god now

Feeding the hunger, feeding the wonder
Feeding the need to believe
Looking for love and looking for someone
Looking for somewhere to be

She went looking for the solution
To a problem that did not exist
She found an answer, and she found some friends there
Consciousness raising as a social tool.
- Moe Berg, The Pursuit of Happiness (from the Album "Love Junk")
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUSKsPze7L8


I realized something the other day. I realized that I will never find the answers that I seek. They will always be slightly out of grasp, just beyond my limits of understanding. So, I am giving up. It's that simple. I'm giving up my quest to figure out who I am and what gives me joy.


The more you search for the things you want, the less realize the things you already have.


In its place, I've decided to embrace the person I am now. To enjoy the moment. I have found that I need to love myself and all of my quirky, inconsistent ways. One day I feel like a beauty queen, all glammed up and dressed to the nines. The next day I don't put on makeup and wear comfy sweats. It's all okay. I can be who I want to be from moment to moment....there is no grand scheme of who I need to be. It's okay to adapt, change and grow.


My birthday is coming up this week. I've felt glimpses of the love explosion and inspiration that I felt at this time last year. I'm hoping to experience it again and then each year going forward. It truly is an awesome experience when the love in your heart is so bright and active that it bursts forth. We need more love in our world. We need more people that shine. I need to find a way to increase the frequency and duration of those moments. Hey cosmic person out there, if you are listening...send me more of the radiant love thing. Even if it's only tied to the Spring awakening, I'll be grateful.


My goal this year is to actually DO the things I want to do and to challenge myself with new experiences. I find that there are things that come up that I'd like to do, but for some reason, I'm too scared to bring up the idea with my family. I'm afraid to even attempt somethings because it means that there is a possibility that I might enjoy myself. What the heck? No, I'm not saying that I want to go out and party every night and be reckless. I need to give myself permission to have fun. I need to communicate my ideas better with others and get the out of my head where they just gather dust and then fade. I need to face my fears and get out of my comfort zone a bit. I need to stop sabotaging myself. I need to get off my lazy butt from time to time. I need to let go of the guilt and the feeling of control. (Wow, I just realized that I say no to my children often just to confirm my control over them). I need to be more of a kid and less of a stodgy old grown up.


Yeah, it's a tall order. And I'll probably fail big time. But I'm going to try anyway. Going out to play with my kids in the middle of winter can't be THAT bad.   

January Dark Moon

 

Poster for The Invisible Woman by Universal Pictures

Identity -

2 a : the distinguishing character or personality of an individual : individuality (from the http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/identity )
 

Many years ago, before last names were in common use there was something called a patronymic. Males and young females were identified by who their father was. (i.e. David, son of John, Mary, daughter of William). Older females were identified by who their husbands were. (i.e. Mary, wife of David). Even today we see evidence of this in our naming practices. Many Germanic/English names end in "son" (Johnston, Williamson). You see this practice in other languages as well (this post is not a lesson in naming practices so I'll let you research them). Women are still identified by their husbands, either by the title "Mrs." or by taking their husband's last name through marriage.
 

For the first portion of my life, I was a daughter....Michele, daughter of M & J.  My friends knew me for who I was, but the rest of the world out there knew me as a daughter. First off, let me tell you that many people have said that my parents were straight from the '50s - the perfect Ward and June Cleaver. They were more traditional than most in their views and values. So, my role was to be the perfect daughter - obey my parents, do well in school and be a good girl. Well, I suppose I succeeded in that role most of the time.

 

My teen years were typical of anyone's "coming of age" - arguments with parents, testing boundaries, etc. Compared to some of my class mates, my teen years were pretty lame. As I got older and finished University I realized that I had spent all of my life under someone else's care. I had spent my whole life fulfilling the expectations of others (my parents). Some of my friends had older siblings that were now in their late 20's, early 30's and still living at home. I did not want that to be me. I did not want to spend my life going from daughter to wife. I needed to spend some time being nothing other than ME for a while. So, I made a promise to myself that I would move out by the time I was 25. And I did, I moved in with a friend one month before my birthday.

 

Some people would have embraced the release from their parents' bounds and gone wild. I just went to work, went to school, hung out with my friends. My parents still haunted me (and they forever will) but it was nice to finally figure out what I valued, what my limits and boundaries were. It was nice to just be me.

 

In retrospect, I was only filling another role at the time.

 

Another identity many women take on is that of the girlfriend/wife. So many women (myself included) fall in love and slowly their life begins to revolve around their chosen mate. Close friends are neglected as you spend more and more time with him and his friends. His family gatherings take priority over yours. You stop doing things you enjoy because it means more time away from him, it's something you can't do together or it's something he doesn't enjoy. Okay, so I admit, I have an obsessive/compulsive/self-sacrificing personality. Not everyone does this stuff, but I do. It seems to be repeating pattern for me. My identity morphs from being me into being his girlfriend. The majority of my relationships in the past have lasted over 3 years. When a relationship ends after three years, there is a lot of heartbreak and soul searching. There is a feeling of emptiness. There is the realization that you have spent three years being someone else and you don't know who the hell you are anymore.
 

Motherhood is another thing that takes over your life. How could it not? The early months/years are spent caring for a helpless little baby/child. The bond is so great and strong it is unbelievable. Your sleeping and eating patterns revolve around this child. Your social interactions change. Your priorities change. It is crazy how much of your life changes due to giving birth. And the scary thing is....there is no going back.
 

As women, we have so many roles to fill....lover, companion, caregiver, homemaker, provider, etc. Where is the woman behind all those roles? What is left when you strip all the labels away? I should be defined by who I am, not by what I do. Otherwise I am merely invisible.

December Dark Moon

There was supposed to be a Full Moon/ Lunar Eclipse post in here, but it never came to be. My body was sleep deprived and feeling very emotionally weak and frail. Sometimes taking care of yourself is more important than fulfilling a promise to yourself.

I am happy to say that I went for an acupuncture treatment last week and things are much better now. Still not sleeping, but not fighting back tears and feeling much more upbeat and stable. :)

With this New Moon I notice that everyone seems to be on an energy surge. Usually this is a quiet time for many people, but I see a lot of full moon behavour - maybe its the approaching Holidays. Myself, I tend to ovulate around the New Moon so I'm used to feeling buzzed around this time...time to conquer the world!! Time to conquer that man!!

For some reason, I'm afraid to dream. No, that is not entirely true, I'm afraid to give myself permission to hope and dream about the future and a very rarely voice them. If a dream is developed and thought out, it has the possibility of becoming real. If it can become real, you can attempt it. If you can attempt it, you can fail. There it is, right there. I am so afraid of failing that I don't even LET myself dream. Why? What is so bad about failing? Does it mean you are worthless? Does it mean you are stupid? Does it mean that you are lazy? Why is there all this fear?

Let's flip this around: if a dream can be developed, it can come true. Is there fear there? Yes. Why?

Despite all this fear, I am going to dream tonight, and I am going to dream big without abandon!  On with the Mid-life discovery!!

Upgrade my sewing skills. I love sewing. I love taking a two dimensional piece of fabric and creating a three dimensional piece of functional art from it. I know my way around a machine and a pattern, but struggle with fitting and details (and speed). A few years ago I found a course that was offered through Red River College on Textile design. Its a two year diploma offered on a part-time basis. (How do I know all this? Information gathering seems to be a passion/obsession of mine). It covers pattern fitting and design elements. With this course I could make the clothing I already own fit me better. I would be able to alter existing patterns to create a personal fit. I would be able to sew items from vintage patterns that are not in my size. I could create wardrobe pieces that I love for myself and others. Maybe even start a business. A-line skirts anyone?

Make music. I love music. I have to admit that I've been out of the musical vibe since I've had my children and I'm trying to find a way to get back in. I used to listen to music, a lot. Now, I limit myself for some reason to listing to my MP3 player on the bus. I need to start playing CDs for my kids. I need to start singing again. My voice is nothing special, but I love the way that your whole being vibrates with energy as you belt out a song that you love. You take your voice with you where-ever you go. It is an instrument you always have on hand. Music is a universal language. I would love to take singing lessons so I could learn to sing better, to discover my voice without wrecking it.

Make more music. I've played several instruments in my life: violin, chord organ, trombone, badura (Ukrainian stringed folk instrument), accordion (self-taught). I've never been particularly brilliant at any one of them. In fact, I struggle and have to work at it. Speed is not my thing. I get frustrated as the sound I hear in my head I am not able to reproduce. Maybe if I had the discipline to practice more I could get the speed thing going and would not get as frustrated. (I DETEST doing scales and warm ups). If things work out, this winter I will have an opportunity to pick up the bandura again and play. It seems I need a goal to play at the moment and a bunch of local bandura players recently realized that we miss playing so we have decided to get together once a month in the new year. I love the sound and "wow" factor of the instrument. I love that I get to learn songs from my ancestors by playing it. I don't love the fact that few venture to play non-Ukrainian music on it and even fewer people play it outside of Ukrainian audiences. I also am not too thrilled about the fact that I'm limited to the keys of GM or Em (I can work with CM and DM too- but it requires re-tuning). Definitely not the best keys for my voice. Despite that, I would love to re-write some of my favourite songs for the bandura.

Learn more music. In addition to learning more music on the bandura I would love to learn to play the guitar. The guitar is one of those instruments that is readily available, it is easily transportable, not limited (as much) to keys and doesn't take 10 minutes to tune! Through the years I've learned how to play via sheet music. My challenge would be to learn to play by ear first. To hear, mimic and feel. If you can play by ear, the possibilities are limitless.

Create more music. In my teen years and early twenties, I wrote poetry. Some good, some not so good. I feel that there is more poetry inside of me but it is not coming out. It needs to come out in song. Words set to music carry so much more meaning and impact than just spoken word. The coupling of verse and rhythm with tone impact me on such a deep level (I will leave that one for another post). Creating songs and stories set to music would be soul satisfying. The challenge is to write from the heart and not from the brain. Exposing those inner thoughts and feelings is scary - in fact, the thought of exposing myself so much is terrifying. I have no aspirations to become a radio hit or even go on tour, but I would love the opportunity to play for a group of people (who are not all related to me). Yes, there is much fear surrounding this one.

Move to the music. I have always loved dance. Moving your body to music. Getting into your body. Knowing your body. A few years ago I took a burlesque dance course and loved it. It wasn't so much about learning to dance sexy, it was about moving your body with confidence and having fun. I actually performed twice and it brought back the rush of being on stage. (I love being center of attention at times - I admit it. I also love flirting). I used to dance (not burlesque, just regular dance) in my living room and I don't anymore. It could be the fact that my house is now a field of Lego landmines. Its time to crank the tunes and dance more often. I've also been toying with the idea of taking an adult jazz dance class.

Connect . I need to connect more with my family. I live with a man and two children. I want to live with my FAMILY. To know and love them on so many levels and not merely occupy the same house. My husband is my best friend, but I would still like to spend more time with him and not be talking about our obligations, children, scheduling, etc. I also want to be a better Mother to my children - to nourish their bodies and spirits better and teach them how to become people of substance with compassion. (Note to self: get off the damn computer!!!)

Connect some more. I am looking for my tribe - a group of women I can resonate with. Women who can support each other and just be there. My body craves physical connection - hugs, smiles, tears. In more traditional societies women would cook, knit, sew, create together. There is a bond that women have that is unexplainable - a collective wisdom. Today's society is so isolating. I don't want to be independent - I need a support system! Also, I want my daughter to grow up with a healthy attitude regarding her body, her monthly cycle, her sexuality and what a woman is and can be.

Connect in a big way. I need remember to pick up the cosmic phone and reach out and touch the Divine. At one time I was filled with the joy and wonder of the Divine presence. That seems like a long time ago. I have no clue what shape or form this one will take, but it needs to come back. Maybe its time to go out in nature more often and just listen for a while.

I don't know how much I will accomplish, but it seems that I am on my way...

November Dark Moon

November is always the month that I notice that the darkness surrounds me. It is the month were I need to be careful or the darkness will enter my soul.


Interestingly, this autumn we have seen the least sunlight in a long time and tonight there is not only a new moon, but a solar eclipse. The dark side is making its statement, it is inviting us to journey.

This is my exploration into Novembers past.
 

I remember a night in early November when I was in my mid twenties , I awoke with a strange cramping. Menstrual cramping was nothing new to me so I thought nothing of it. My cycle had never been regular and my flow never even. Several hours seemed to pass and the cramping came and went. Finally, a smooth sac-like dark blob came out of me and the cramping subsided. Relieved that it was over for the night, I went to sleep.
 

Later November that year brought a road trip. Excited to be on an adventure, but knowing that lack of sleep does strange things to me. Somewhere along the way I started to weep. The weeping became crying, the crying sobbing and the sobbing turned into wailing. My friends asked me what was wrong. I had no idea, I just cried more. No idea what was causing this emotional outburst. Unable to control it. Not able to calm down. Hysteria took over as I became afraid. I shook. I froze. I breathed with quickened breath. The only thing I knew was that I just wanted someone to hold me in silence. Exhausted, I finally fell asleep. The next day, everything was back to normal. No one uttered a word about what had happened the previous night.
 

It went on like this for several months...out of no where a wave of emotion would come over me and I would start crying. Sometimes it was accompanied by erratic behaviour or hysteria. It would happen at night in my bed, in the middle of my shift at work, watching a movie with my boyfriend. It took me about a year to figure out that these were panic attacks. It took me almost a decade to realize that they were initially triggered by an early term miscarriage.  (Yes, it took me that long to admit that I had an undetected pregnancy).

 

 

November several years later, is the month I entered a full blown depressive state. Depression is not a blackness or a darkness - it is nothing. It is a void. It is the absence of feeling. It brings irrational thoughts. It brings a search for feeling anything at any cost. It hurts. It pains. It doesn't go away. You alternate between wanting to turn the pain off and rejoicing in the fact that misery is a feeling. I remember sitting in my apartment on my hands in front of a candle - wanting to put my arms in the flame just so I could feel something different. Knowing that once I started, I would not be able to stop. Day dreams of walking in front of a bus. Fascinated by the glint of a sharp edge. Taking a bunch of pain killers and chasing it with liquor of some sort and then staying up all night afraid that if I ever fell asleep I would not wake up. Then doing it all again a few days later.
 

November is also the month I lost my father. Sadly it is true, you never know how much someone means to you until they are gone. My last memory of him is my son feeding him ice cubes in the hospital and my husband giving him a shave. I remember my pregnant belly getting in the way as I hugged him good-bye and promising to come visit tomorrow. The next morning when the phone rang at 7 am I already knew I would not be keeping that promise.
 

November is a month of darkness. This year, I am willingly looking into the shadows in an effort to understand them. It is not the darkness we need fear, it is the unknown - the unknown within. 

Taking the first step

I've always said that sometimes it takes a grand piano to fall on my head for me to notice something.

I am approaching the age of 40 and feel that I need to make a few changes in my life and figure out who the hell I am and what I'm doing with my life (aka mid-life crisis). Its been bugging me for a while. My problem (well, one of many) is that I have ideas in my head but am afraid to give them shape, for if they have shape they are identifiable. If they are identifiable they can be implemented. If they can be implemented, they can fail....I can fail. I am so afraid of failure that I often do not even try. (This is the real reason I do not like to play board games).

So, a few weeks ago an e-mail came across my desk, "Baby Steps for Finding your Voice", an on-line yoga couching programme offered by a local instructor (Beth). A similar course came across my desk earlier in the fall ("Finding your Voice Group Couching") and even though I loved what the course offered, I was not ready to make that type of commitment nor take that type of step. But Baby Steps? That sounded more my speed, I just wasn't sure if this yoga thing was for me. I have taken a few yoga courses in the past and I admit that the ones I enjoyed most were the ones where the instructor added a spiritual element to it. I even had Beth once as a substitute instructor for a pre-natal yoga class and even years later I remember the feeling I had in that class. Still....yoga?...on-line?...????

I felt it was time to do something, but as usual, I had no idea what it was. So, I bit the bullet and contacted a few of my closer friends and asked for advice. I told them that I would be making the journey - a mid-life discovery (I didn't use the word then) starting on the full moon on October 29, 2012 and working with new moon (aka dark moon) energy until the full moon around my birthday (I guess that would be February 26, 2013). I asked for any advice or activities to help me along. Each one came up with wonderful insight and suggestions (I know some pretty awesome women). Asking for help was a big step for me as I have a tendency to think I can handle things myself. Also, other people now know about my journey...so I have someone to be accountable to.

A long time ago I went through a major depressive episode. I was a mess - self destructive thoughts filled my head and I felt worthless. I was more than willing to let it go on, to live my life in my personal hell, but someone urged me to get help. I couldn't do it for myself, but I could do it for them. Someone to be accountable to......

The next day I received a You-Tube update from a Canadian musician that I follow/subscribe to. It seems he was taking a yoga course which focused on addiction and recovery. Being the information sponge (obsessive) person I am, I looked up the course info....damn that looked interesting! Hmm...another yoga course.....

So I signed up for the Baby Steps course. I guess this is my first moon cycle activity - giving voice to my dreams and desires.

The Journey Begins

I began a journey tonight. The full moon shone outside, a reminder that the sun is never completely gone, it only hides sometimes. It is time to journey into the darkness, into the depths of my being. A time to discover what truly lies beneath, what nourishes my soul. A time to discover all the dreams and fears I hold within and bring them to the surface, to acknowledge them and bring them life. As the earth outside is growing colder and the nights are growing longer I will go. Often alone, sometimes with a companion but my destination is only for me to reach. No one can define who I am. It is up to me to decide.

The light is so deep. There is much polishing and rubbish removal to do.

I entered the bath unclothed - the way I entered the world. A single candle glowing red lit the room. The water contains clay, earth. Known to purify, known to rid the body of toxins, known to heal. Yes, I suppose healing is what I need. After years of denying myself to dream. Even my sleep is mostly dreamless. How can that be? Given the opportunity to dream I am not able. I am stuck in my daily life - surviving. Surviving because I am exhausted. I continue to live, to enjoy my life, but there must be something else....where is the joy? Where is that unavoidable, grounding yet transcendent connection? Where is the purpose that drives?

I breath in the smells of frankincense, rosewood, geranium, clary sage and a hint of sandalwood. The smells come to greet me as I lay in the bath. One by one they drift by and introduce themselves. Then I smell them all. One of them is making me notice that I ate something I shouldn't have. My gut is protesting. Yet another comforts me and reassures me that I have made the right decision. It has been a long time since I've worked with essential oils. I need to explore them once again. I chose these oils for the following reasons...frankincense - it reminds me of church growing up - the connection to the divine, rosewood - an earthy fragrance. I remember smelling the wild roses in my elementary school yard in June, geranium - in the past most of my blends have contained this scent. I seem to be drawn to it, clary sage - I recall this is a good oil for dreaming and visions and female energy, sandalwood - why not? The pesky drop did not want to come out of the bottle, so that is why there is only a hint.

Laying there I relaxed, as one tends to do in the bath. Then I called upon the divine to assist me in my journey. To guide me, to push me where I needed to go, to help me when I'm stuck, to comfort me when I'm overwhelmed. The mother - the moist mother earth. I asked her to surrounded my body with love and let me grow within her womb. I asked her to dispose of the things I no longer needed and find a safe way for it to return to the earth.

It has been an looong time since I've prayed. Usually it is to the generic God of my upbringing. But I felt I needed female energy. Praying to Mary never felt right, so why not pray to Mokosh? Perhaps she is merely God (or Mary) in a disguise. Perhaps not. Who knows. What's in a name?

I am reminded of the song "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" by Sarah McLachlan.

It is late. I need sleep. Perchance to dream.

Stay tuned....

Stay tuned for updates....I've been busy, but I feel a wave of posts coming on....

Mi