I began a journey tonight. The full moon shone outside, a reminder that the sun is never completely gone, it only hides sometimes. It is time to journey into the darkness, into the depths of my being. A time to discover what truly lies beneath, what nourishes my soul. A time to discover all the dreams and fears I hold within and bring them to the surface, to acknowledge them and bring them life. As the earth outside is growing colder and the nights are growing longer I will go. Often alone, sometimes with a companion but my destination is only for me to reach. No one can define who I am. It is up to me to decide.
The light is so deep. There is much polishing and rubbish removal to do.
I entered the bath unclothed - the way I entered the world. A single candle glowing red lit the room. The water contains clay, earth. Known to purify, known to rid the body of toxins, known to heal. Yes, I suppose healing is what I need. After years of denying myself to dream. Even my sleep is mostly dreamless. How can that be? Given the opportunity to dream I am not able. I am stuck in my daily life - surviving. Surviving because I am exhausted. I continue to live, to enjoy my life, but there must be something else....where is the joy? Where is that unavoidable, grounding yet transcendent connection? Where is the purpose that drives?
I breath in the smells of frankincense, rosewood, geranium, clary sage and a hint of sandalwood. The smells come to greet me as I lay in the bath. One by one they drift by and introduce themselves. Then I smell them all. One of them is making me notice that I ate something I shouldn't have. My gut is protesting. Yet another comforts me and reassures me that I have made the right decision. It has been a long time since I've worked with essential oils. I need to explore them once again. I chose these oils for the following reasons...frankincense - it reminds me of church growing up - the connection to the divine, rosewood - an earthy fragrance. I remember smelling the wild roses in my elementary school yard in June, geranium - in the past most of my blends have contained this scent. I seem to be drawn to it, clary sage - I recall this is a good oil for dreaming and visions and female energy, sandalwood - why not? The pesky drop did not want to come out of the bottle, so that is why there is only a hint.
Laying there I relaxed, as one tends to do in the bath. Then I called upon the divine to assist me in my journey. To guide me, to push me where I needed to go, to help me when I'm stuck, to comfort me when I'm overwhelmed. The mother - the moist mother earth. I asked her to surrounded my body with love and let me grow within her womb. I asked her to dispose of the things I no longer needed and find a safe way for it to return to the earth.
It has been an looong time since I've prayed. Usually it is to the generic God of my upbringing. But I felt I needed female energy. Praying to Mary never felt right, so why not pray to Mokosh? Perhaps she is merely God (or Mary) in a disguise. Perhaps not. Who knows. What's in a name?
I am reminded of the song "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" by Sarah McLachlan.
It is late. I need sleep. Perchance to dream.
